Okay, first time ever — a double post in one night.
After hitting Publish on my blog, I realized I needed to write more. I began thinking about my kids, naturally, who may have to go through this one day. And, I needed to write this entry for them, or for others who may struggle with this decision.
Two words: This Sucks.
Spin it, as we may, this truly is an awful decision to have to make. Or, rather, I’ll speak for myself, this hasn’t been easy. There has been an incredible roller coaster of emotions that go along with this whole journey, for sure. First, excitement back in January of having made — just made — the decision. Something definitive; something to work towards. And, as achievement, friendship, running, support, blogging, and talking about it all rolled into the ride, there have been moments of extreme excitement and pride as well as deep sadness and fear.
It’s just a few days now. Just a few days. Some of my post-mastectomy friends have said they felt calm, at peace, Zen-like, ready. Friends, let me be clear. I feel like shit.
I’ve been surrounded by love and encouragement, gifts and cards, hugs and handshakes, smiles and laughter. I’ve had lunches, dinners, wine and vodka, cake, ice cream, and some of the best dang food I’ve eaten in years. I’ve had emails from long lost friends, emails from current friends, and long-distance love from across the globe. All of this, actually, is helping to keep me from crawling under a table and sobbing.
Instead, I am sitting at a table, box of Kleenex, and attempting to type faster than my tears are falling.
I had to write this Part II because I didn’t want anyone to read this and think “Hm, what’s wrong with me? Why am I not feeling brave and peaceful?”
Because, honey. It sucks. Flat out. There are about a million other things I’d like to do than have a mastectomy on Thursday. No good ending, no words of inspirational wisdom, no peace love and sumpthin’ sumpthin’. It just sucks.
Funny, writing this has actually helped me stop crying. Writing this has helped me see (on screen) that it’s okay to be pissed about it. It’s okay for me to be upset, whiny, and angry. It’s okay. Why, because (you guessed it),
Okay, I give in.. here you go:
Peace, love and yea,
(PS, thanks to Amy Cross for my blog inspiring socks that I’ve been wearing for weeks now… yes, I’ve washed them…)