It’s September 21, 2o10. I know that I’m writing this entry for future posting, and maybe that’s what’s going to make this interesting. Or, meaningless, who knows.

I just finished posting a reflective piece about “connections”, but the real post I wanted to write was this: I’m depressed. I alluded to it in different ways — “I’m not feeling as strong” or “I’m missing motivation” or “I just want to quit.” Those were the cowardly ways I wanted to express just how sad I’m feeling. Depressed. Totally.

I thought there’d be so much relief after getting a date. Truth is, I can’t stop crying. I went to my old blog posts to, well, to be “inspired by myself”, and realized that much of my latest posting has been pretty Debbie Downer (no offense to anyone named Debbie OR Downer).

It’s been hard posting this “draft” even now. I feel like I’m not being honest with my readers and friends who have counted on me to be so truthful during these past few months. I’ve posted my weight, posted my crying fits, my anxiety and my insecurity, my frustration about weight and body image, and my bumps in the running journey. But, I can’t bring myself to post this one. I can’t bring myself to admit to you that I’m feeling depressed.

I’m feeling that “dark cloud” feeling for so many reasons. Again, many of these I’m embarrassed to even admit. I know that, intellectually, the light is at the end of the tunnel; that, once I get this over with, I’ll be worry free (or worry-less). I’ll embrace life, I won’t fear cancer. I’ll have perky boobs and a mammogram free existence. I get it. I know it. I’m thankful for it.

And, yet, the emotional part is overwhelming right now. Each “memorable” thing that I do these days makes me think “Are we creating memories, just in case? Just in case.” Are we taking a family vacation, just in case? Are we getting together our will, just in case? Are we taking a family photo, just in case? Did this blog serve as a record for my young children, just in case?

Intellectually, I know the success rate. It’s high. Very high. The chances of me dying as a result of this surgery are very low. After surgery, the chance of me getting cancer are ridiculously low. So, intellectually, it’s, well a no-brainer.

And, yet, I’m feeling depressed. I’m angry this is happening to me. I’m angry this has happened to my sisters, my cousins, and my family. I’m terrified that BRCA is possibly in my children and, in turn, possibly in their children. I’m pissed that a “good person like myself” even has to deal with this shit.

The invitation to my pity party reads: “Come one, come all! Deadly disease? Invited! Extremely rare, non-hereditary tumors? Yes, you! Hereditary risks and body mutilation? Yes, bring desserts! Weird and totally uncommon genetic mutations? Bring a friend!

I begin to feel especially bad when I think about people who never have to do this. Who never have to face this. Who experience life where their biggest worries are runny noses and fevers. Then, I feel extra bad for feeling bad about it. Like, I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone, and I certainly don’t wish this for me.

So, depression. It’s a funny little bugger, ain’t it? Can’t fight it. Don’t want to let it take over. Yet, it hangs around like a funky crap in a newly changed diaper. (sorry, my son just walked by me and I got a whiff).

Not much to do about it, folks. Which, maybe that’s why I was hesitant to post this one. Nothing to fix. It just is.

It. Just.Is.

Sept 22, 2010

A little glimmer of hope today was when, for the first time, I logged onto the FORCE message boards. I found this amazing site of women who are post-mastectomy. WARNING: There are post-surgical pictures on here. Though I’m about to go through it, even some of it was hard for me to stomach. Yet the women are BEAUTIFUL!! BEAUTIFUL! BEAUTIFUL!! Please visit “Beauty and the Breast” and click on the PORTRAITS link at the bottom to see more.

Peace, love, and equally depressing just reading this depressing post,


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11 Responses to DELAY

  1. Karyn says:

    Liza. You are my woman hero. Seriously. Your strength and transparency and honesty are so brutal and beautiful all at the same time. I can’t imagine your pain, frustration, and relief that you must be feeling. But know this- you CAN be pissed, you CAN be depressed, you SHOULD cry, and it’s okay to say just in case. Because you know that GOD is in control and will be YOUR strength when you are weak. HE will cry with you. And He will crawl, walk, and run with you…. As we all will. Know you are loved. And it’s okay.

  2. Sue Friedman says:

    Liza, these are normal feelings! You are grieving! Of course you are! None of this is easy or else we wouldn’t have need for FORCE. Please go easy on yourself and give yourself time to process this. You have been on a fast track, but your emotions need time to catch up. Take some deep breaths, give yourself a hug, acknowledge and validate to yourself how much all of this really sucks. Take time to process. You will move forward and feel empowered and grateful again. You will know happiness. You will know peace. Allow yourself this process and be as kind and patient with yourself as you would be a dear friend struggling with a difficult issue.
    Much love,

    • Liza says:

      For those of you reading these comments, Sue Friedman is BRCA superwoman extraordinaire, and I’m moved that you took the time to write here and read this, Sue. Blessings and love to you!

  3. Jennifer says:

    Know that it’s okay to feel this way; don’t feel guilt about it, don’t try to rationalize, just sit with your feelings. Remember to honor the fear BEFORE you try to carry on.
    Sending you love and at-peace karma.

    • Liza says:

      Artist extraordinare. Good things happen to good people, Jennifer, and I’m so thrilled to see your art impact so many women — especially my BRCA sisters.

  4. Cheryl says:

    Anger, fear, resentment, sadness, anxiety and all the other emotions that are cropping up out of the darkness are only natural, my friend. Your friends and family have been having them for months and you have been there to calm us down, and reassure us that all will be well. Now take some time, breathe deeply, and remind yourself what this is really all about. It is about you being healthy and living a long and fulfilling life with all that love you.

    So take whatever time it takes to work through these “monsters under your bed.” Cry in your pillow (or beer), scream, holler, and just be mad! Do whatever it takes. Just remember, you are not alone, and we all love ya!

    • Liza says:

      Hi Nana C! Thankfully last night, I did cry into my beer 🙂 Thanks for always being an amazing supporter for me in this crazy journey.

  5. Courtney O says:

    hey girl,
    I am just catching up on your blog after being away. The fixer in me wants to just poof ! make all of this go away for you. To take away the pain, the struggle, the suckiness of it all. I wish I could do that for you. But I will pray for you and believe in your ability to walk through this, leaning on your people there that love you. And I am sure you have lots of those. Depend on others, let them carry you and hold you and love you. And then try to give yourself some grace and room to grieve. This is really hard crap, but you will make it.
    love you, c

    • Liza says:

      Hi Courtney – thank you! I’m pretty sure that “poof”ing it would be my preferred method, too 🙂 Be well, friend!

  6. Jade F. says:

    Thank you for your honesty, Liza. Being truthful with yourself (and with all your friends and loved ones) will be of profound help to you in your journey towards health…

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