PART II

Okay, first time ever — a double post in one night.

After hitting Publish on my blog, I realized I needed to write more. I began thinking about my kids, naturally, who may have to go through this one day. And, I needed to write this entry for them, or for others who may struggle with this decision.

Two words: This Sucks.

Spin it, as we may, this truly is an awful decision to have to make. Or, rather, I’ll speak for myself, this hasn’t been easy. There has been an incredible roller coaster of emotions that go along with this whole journey, for sure. First, excitement back in January of having made — just made — the decision. Something definitive; something to work towards. And, as achievement, friendship, running, support, blogging, and talking about it all rolled into the ride, there have been moments of extreme excitement and pride as well as deep sadness and fear.

It’s just a few days now. Just a few days. Some of my post-mastectomy friends have said they felt calm, at peace, Zen-like, ready. Friends, let me be clear. I feel like shit.

I’ve been surrounded by love and encouragement, gifts and cards, hugs and handshakes, smiles and laughter. I’ve had lunches, dinners, wine and vodka, cake, ice cream, and some of the best dang food I’ve eaten in years. I’ve had emails from long lost friends, emails from current friends, and long-distance love from across the globe. All of this, actually, is helping to keep me from crawling under a table and sobbing.

Instead, I am sitting at a table, box of Kleenex, and attempting to type faster than my tears are falling.

I had to write this Part II because I didn’t want anyone to read this and think “Hm, what’s wrong with me? Why am I not feeling brave and peaceful?”

Because, honey. It sucks. Flat out. There are about a million other things I’d like to do than have a mastectomy on Thursday. No good ending, no words of inspirational wisdom, no peace love and sumpthin’ sumpthin’.  It just sucks.

Funny, writing this has actually helped me stop crying. Writing this has helped me see (on screen) that it’s okay to be pissed about it. It’s okay for me to be upset, whiny, and angry. It’s okay. Why, because (you guessed it),

Okay, I give in.. here you go:

Peace, love and yea,

Liza

(PS, thanks to Amy Cross for my blog inspiring socks that I’ve been wearing for weeks now… yes, I’ve washed them…)

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3 Responses to PART II

  1. As I read this, I can see myself, just last night, as I opened the windows to let in some air, describing to you how I shush my family when I am reading your blog, because they ask, “momma, why are you crying?”

    And now here I am, illustrating it all for you, only you are there. I just want to make you a lasagna and some chocolate bread pudding and make all this shit go away. I guess I will just start on the cooking and pray about the rest.

    Peace, love, and some restful sleep.

  2. Sarah says:

    Liza,
    I don’t know you but I work with Jorge at Sage. I just wanted to say that I read your blog last night and I have not been able to get out of my head all that you must be feeling. Your thoughts, in particular as a mother, really stuck with me. Your courage and fear come across in equal doses and I wanted to thank you, and Jorge, for sharing this with me. There are far too many days in my life when I find myself complaining about something insignificant. And yet last night, after reading your latest entry, I turned off my laptop, and went and sat on my kid’s beds for a few minutes, just looking at them brings peace. Your children, whether they or you realize this now, will learn so much from this journey. They will learn that bravery and courage do not mean you are not scared. And they will learn that resilience is continuing to move forward, despite wanting to crawl into bed and let the struggles pass you by. They are very lucky children. Thank you. I will be sending you all the strength and courage I can. God bless and god speed.

  3. Courtney says:

    It does suck Liza. I will be praying for you. Sorry this is happening.

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